I Am A LMS Survivor
Theresa Miller
The buzzer went off in my hand. The door opened, my husband Ken and I were ushered in. This time like every other time fear was running all over me. I hadn't felt right in awhile. You know the whole scan-xiety thing.
My vitals were taken, questions were asked and we were led to a room and said someone would be right in. We sat and waited. The door finally opened and in walked the nurse practitioner. She asked how we were, glanced at my chart and said the doctor will be right in. Out she went before we could ask any questions.
I looked at Ken and said something just isn't right. He agreed.
Finally the door opens and in walks my doctor and the nurse practitioner. I swear I could feel sadness fill the room. My doctor sat down. She had never done that before. I suppose she wanted to be eye to eye with me then she said "I am so sorry." My heart moved to my throat. I found it hard to breathe. Cancer showed on my CT Scan. It wasn't LMS, but a second cancer. Her mouth continued to move but I was having a hard time hearing. She was talking chemo and ports and NOW there could be no waiting. Before she left the room she hugged Ken and I and again said how sorry she was I was going though this. We were told to stay in the room as long as we needed to.
When she left Ken and I clung to each other, sobbing.
We came home in silence and tears. "WHY?" Was the question going over and over again in my mind.
I contacted who I could via email and dreaded having to tell my son and my sister.
All I kept thinking was LMS is bad enough. How did I manage to get a second cancer? How and why repeated over and over and over.
Believe it or not I went to work the next day. (I had emailed them so they knew). I needed the distraction of working. Making my mind think of anything but cancer.
The phone rang and I was so surprised it was my doctor. She asked could I go somewhere private to talk to her? I said no (thinking what I have three cancers now?) She said she couldn't believe what the radiologist had put on the CT Scan results. SO she pulled the films and went to see the him. There had been a mistake and I was fine. NO NEW CANCER and NO LMS! I choked back tears (remember I am in an office surrounded by others) and said "what?" She explained that the radiologist confused T. Miller (a man with leukemia) and me (Theresa Miller). She said she questioned it and took my films to him and yes he made a mistake and he was sorry.
I was amazed the people I work with didn't notice me during this phone call. I was crying and had my head down on my desk.
When I hung up the phone (after telling the doctor that I loved her) I went to Angie (friend and co-worker) with tears streaming down my face and I quietly said I need a hug. She jumped up and hugged me whispering "what's going on?" "It was a mistake I am OK," I said. She was as dumbfounded as me. She announced it to the room and everyone cheered and hugged me.
I emailed and called everyone I could think of. Relief washed over me.
It was short lived because I got angry. How could this have happened? If my doctor hadn't questioned this I would have had a port put back in and given
chemo that wasn't needed. That's the physical part. The mental part I think would have been enough to send me running into traffic.
I decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I would have to force myself to get passed this. I think anyone with LMS understands how hard it is to mentally deal with it. Most days I can ignore LMS. I am blessed I have been in remission since the original diagnosis (ULMS 2004).
So I came up with the following rules for me to live by. No they are not always easy but I try daily to follow them.
I WILL NOT now or EVER allow cancer to steal my hope and peace.
I WILL NOT allow LMS to dictate my happiness.
I WILL NOT let a mistake at one of the biggest cancer institutes in Michigan make me afraid to trust my doctor.
I WILL be my own advocate where my health is concerned.
I WILL NEVER give up on finding a cure for LMS.
Hope - Always,
Theresa Miller - SURVIVOR
The buzzer went off in my hand. The door opened, my husband Ken and I were ushered in. This time like every other time fear was running all over me. I hadn't felt right in awhile. You know the whole scan-xiety thing.
My vitals were taken, questions were asked and we were led to a room and said someone would be right in. We sat and waited. The door finally opened and in walked the nurse practitioner. She asked how we were, glanced at my chart and said the doctor will be right in. Out she went before we could ask any questions.
I looked at Ken and said something just isn't right. He agreed.
Finally the door opens and in walks my doctor and the nurse practitioner. I swear I could feel sadness fill the room. My doctor sat down. She had never done that before. I suppose she wanted to be eye to eye with me then she said "I am so sorry." My heart moved to my throat. I found it hard to breathe. Cancer showed on my CT Scan. It wasn't LMS, but a second cancer. Her mouth continued to move but I was having a hard time hearing. She was talking chemo and ports and NOW there could be no waiting. Before she left the room she hugged Ken and I and again said how sorry she was I was going though this. We were told to stay in the room as long as we needed to.
When she left Ken and I clung to each other, sobbing.
We came home in silence and tears. "WHY?" Was the question going over and over again in my mind.
I contacted who I could via email and dreaded having to tell my son and my sister.
All I kept thinking was LMS is bad enough. How did I manage to get a second cancer? How and why repeated over and over and over.
Believe it or not I went to work the next day. (I had emailed them so they knew). I needed the distraction of working. Making my mind think of anything but cancer.
The phone rang and I was so surprised it was my doctor. She asked could I go somewhere private to talk to her? I said no (thinking what I have three cancers now?) She said she couldn't believe what the radiologist had put on the CT Scan results. SO she pulled the films and went to see the him. There had been a mistake and I was fine. NO NEW CANCER and NO LMS! I choked back tears (remember I am in an office surrounded by others) and said "what?" She explained that the radiologist confused T. Miller (a man with leukemia) and me (Theresa Miller). She said she questioned it and took my films to him and yes he made a mistake and he was sorry.
I was amazed the people I work with didn't notice me during this phone call. I was crying and had my head down on my desk.
When I hung up the phone (after telling the doctor that I loved her) I went to Angie (friend and co-worker) with tears streaming down my face and I quietly said I need a hug. She jumped up and hugged me whispering "what's going on?" "It was a mistake I am OK," I said. She was as dumbfounded as me. She announced it to the room and everyone cheered and hugged me.
I emailed and called everyone I could think of. Relief washed over me.
It was short lived because I got angry. How could this have happened? If my doctor hadn't questioned this I would have had a port put back in and given
chemo that wasn't needed. That's the physical part. The mental part I think would have been enough to send me running into traffic.
I decided for my own sanity and peace of mind I would have to force myself to get passed this. I think anyone with LMS understands how hard it is to mentally deal with it. Most days I can ignore LMS. I am blessed I have been in remission since the original diagnosis (ULMS 2004).
So I came up with the following rules for me to live by. No they are not always easy but I try daily to follow them.
I WILL NOT now or EVER allow cancer to steal my hope and peace.
I WILL NOT allow LMS to dictate my happiness.
I WILL NOT let a mistake at one of the biggest cancer institutes in Michigan make me afraid to trust my doctor.
I WILL be my own advocate where my health is concerned.
I WILL NEVER give up on finding a cure for LMS.
Hope - Always,
Theresa Miller - SURVIVOR
